oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
