are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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