My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
