I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
