I think I am morally bankrupt
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
