The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
