There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
COCAINE IS GR8
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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