I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
