You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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