my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
A+ Viking dick
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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