I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
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I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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