He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
