pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
