Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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