Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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