Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
