If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
