does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
