She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
