News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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