how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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