An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
