You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
