It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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