did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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