I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
