You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
