somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
