Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
