Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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