Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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