Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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