I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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