I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize