Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
