Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
