Please, let me fuck your mom
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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