I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
