Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
