There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
