we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
