okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
