i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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