3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
