VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
