The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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