Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
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I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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