This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
