dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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