I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I touched a dick in church today
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
