I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
