I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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