puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
