jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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