How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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