She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
