my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
