So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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